The Accidental Pinterest Mom

When I started making preschool lunches last fall, I perused Pinterest for meal ideas and promptly hyperventilated and passed out.

Where the hell did these Pinterest moms get all their time and energy?

Elmo lunch

 Were these moms all on drugs, and if so, where could I get some?

hot dog octopus

Then yesterday, I was trying to solve a sandwich problem.  I noticed my kid wasn’t eating her crusts and there was no way I was going start making four extra cuts every day at 7 am.

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I figured a large round cookie cutter could do the crust removal job for me in one fell swoop.  The only cookie cutter I could find, wedged between some crusty baking pans and the cloth napkins I use biannually, was one with scalloped edges.

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Even reduced to a squiggly circle, her sandwich still didn’t look bite sized, so I cut it in half before sending it on its way.

That afternoon, when I checked my kid’s lunch box, I was astonished to see that the food was all gone.

“Honey, you liked your sandwich?” I asked skeptically.

“Yes Mommy! Make the dinosaurs again tomorrow!”

Dinosaurs?  WTF?

And that’s when I realized that I had accidentally made Stegosaurus sandwiches.

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stegosaurus

How you like me now, Pinterest? Booya.

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You Take The Cake

Dear Viv,

I know wedding planning hasn’t been that fun for you.

Lots of long car rides, boring meetings and time-consuming bridal indecision.

Plus, grown-ups are always telling you not to touch anything, like that’s a reasonable request.

I hope we made it up to you today.

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Baby Owl was a fan of Triple Berry Cream.

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Uncle Owl seemed to prefer Dulce de Leche.

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But we’re a chocolate family, aren’t we, girlfriend?

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Thanks for your continued services as our Mini Wedding Planner.

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Love,

Mom & Dad

 

Posted in My Family, Our Situation, Wedding Plans | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Baby Daddy Left Me On Facebook

The father of my child just abandoned me—on Facebook, that is.

Amy and Dave on Facebook thumbs down

He quit the social media machine, claiming it’s a time-suck that has gotten less personal and more annoying over the years.  I think he’s crazy.  Without Facebook, how would I know which Scandal character I most resemble or what my old boss had for breakfast this morning?

I’m a pretty active Facebook user, so it bothers me that my partner in life is not my partner online.  He’s missing my witty one-liners, my Throwback Thursday photos (Hi-oh, slutty Halloween costumes!) and all the cute kid pics I post for the pure joy of it, and not at all as narcissistic “like” bait.

Viv in PJs

Do you like me?

On Valentine’s Day, when my feed was flooded with everyone else’s boastful declarations of love, I felt a little left out.  I mean, if you can’t tag your boyfriend, are you really in a relationship?

Plus, social media updating can be hard work, and I’m carrying the full load.  As the sole representative of our family on Facebook, I’m responsible for ALL the Happy Birthday messages to our friends, ALL the RSVP’s to parties and ALL the “liking.” Oh, that liking.  My fingertips are raw!  Online relationship maintenance is clearly a two-person job.  I don’t think my fiancé quite appreciates all that I do for him, on Facebook.

Finish reading at mom.me and if you like it, please LIKE it on Facebook–even though Dave will never see it–because I get cool points and the occasional bonus from my employer.  Gratzi!

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Posted in Couplehood, My Family | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Mom Falls for Oldest Trick In The Book

Viv gets up at 5:30 this morning.  This is early even for her.  I plop her in front of Dora and go to make a gallon of coffee.

Mom, can I have scissors and paper for cutting?

Oh, thank God, my kid has picked today to finally start entertaining herself, and with crafts!  Mama could not be prouder.

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Mooooooom.

One sec, honey.  Making coffee.

Moooooooom.

Be right there, babe.

Mooooooooom. 

What is it, honey?

I cut my hair.

You WHAT????

I cut my hair. 

Before I see her, I spot the pile of hair on the floor.

Cue soundtrack from Psycho in my head:

Reeeeeee!  Reeeeee!  Reeeeee!

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hair crop

hair super crop

Aww fuuuuuuuumbleduck.

I raise my eyes slowly from the hair.

Viv is going to be our Flower Girl this summer.

Please, God, not a pixie cut.

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And somehow, she’s managed to cut perfectly side-swept bangs.

Perhaps she has a career in styling.  Perhaps my heart will slow down to a normal rate sometime this week.  Perhaps scissors, even the child-safe kind, are to be viewed as no less dangerous than a flaming machete.

Amateur.

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10 Books My 3-Year-Old Daughter Is Loving Right Now

I started taking a children’s book writing class because, you know, fantasy work-from-home job.  The class has made me appreciate how hard it is to craft a kick-ass kids’ book–one that grabs my daughter’s imagination AND doesn’t make me want to shoot myself when I have to read it 100 times on demand. I thought I’d share some of our favorites with you, and I’d love to hear yours in the comments section!

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1. DRAGONS LOVE TACOS – Absurd and hilarious, this instructional manual for throwing a perfect dragon taco party ends in disaster when the dragons mistakenly ingest spicy salsa and accidentally burn a house down by breathing fire on it.  Just dragons being dragons.  The last word in this story should be “Again!” Read More »

Posted in My Family, Parenthood, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments