10 Reasons Moms Look Exhausted All The Time

I have to give you the backstory on this one.  My editor at Lifetime Moms said that my post “10 Reasons Moms Dress Like Crap” was doing well for them, and could I please write a sequel.  I obliged, and unthinkingly included one of the least flattering selfies ever, so I hope it gives you a laugh!  If you have any ideas for the third installment of 10 Reasons Moms Look… please leave them in the comments.

“You look tired” is one of the rudest sentences in the English language. Unless it’s followed up by, “Lie down on this deck chair while I mind your children and straighten up your house,” there is no need to point out the obvious.

before after tired

Of course I look tired – I’m a mom! Here are just some of the reasons:

1. No matter how beat I am, falling asleep takes two hours because of this ticker in my head: “Did I turn off the oven? Lock the door? Drain the bath? Is dry drowning a real thing? Did her head feel warm when I kissed her goodnight? Are we out of milk?” It’s endless.

2. When I do fall asleep, there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be awakened by an eerily silent child five inches from my face, just staring at me.

3. Even God had a day of rest. Not Mom.

4. Until they invent a single cosmetic product that can cover dark circles, brighten eyes, define cheekbones and extend lashes, my beauty routine is getting my hair (most of it) into a ponytail. It’s a look.

5. I’ll cover my kid in 50 SPF head to toe for a trip to the supermarket but go weeks without dabbing a little moisturizer on my crow’s feet. Haven’t really nailed that whole “self care” thing yet.

6. Every question I answer starts with “Why?” “Can I?” or “Give me.” They could use this technique at Guantanamo—more effective than water boarding! And exhausting.

Finish the list at Lifetime Moms…. Read More »

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A Mom’s Guide To Her Wedding Registry

I know, this is such a tease.  I owe you – the readers I love – a full accounting of the wedding.  The problem is, I’m still waiting for the official photographs, and trust me this is not a story that can be told without pictures (see preview below).  Until then, I’ll be sharing some of the posts I write for other sites, like this one from mom.me.

All 3 About to walk aisle

Ah, to be an unencumbered bride. Engaged to be married, she registers for a fantasy future of fine china, crystal goblets and lily white hotel bedding. One never knows when The Queen might visit.

But what if you already have kids before you get married?

Then you know the truth: fancy, fragile, stainable shit is not going to survive 10 minutes in your house.

Sure, in 20 years when you have an empty nest, you may decide to throw some elegant dinner parties, but will the items procured two decades before have survived all the “indoor baseball” and “teddy bear tea party” incidents? I think not.

I recently married my baby daddy, and though we’d been cohabitating for years, we still needed STUFF. Specifically, I felt that if my family was going to continue to demand home-cooked meals, then I had a right to replace the rusting pots and pans I’d had since college. After all, how much damage could our daughter do to All-Clad? If she wanted to use my new pots as bongos, it was fine by me.

But once inside Bloomingdale’s, I struggled mightily against the bridal fantasies of my youth. Holding that registry gun in my hand, with the power to click on anything my heart desired, I started to covet the cut crystal vase that I imagined filling with fresh peonies on our mahogany entry way table (never mind that we don’t have a mahogany table. Or an entry way).

Continue reading at mom.me…

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10 Ridiculous Guys I Had to Date Before I Found My Person

Dating was fun, but I can’t say I miss it.  Here’s just a sampling of the wrong-for-me dudes I encountered on the road to destiny…

1. Didn’t like cheese guy

2. Forgot his wallet on the first date guy

3. Mirror-hogging metrosexual guy

pretty college guy

4.  Over 30 virgin guy

5. Didn’t laugh at my jokes and instead said “that’s funny” guy

6. Didn’t appreciate my booty guy

7. Only called the first half of the month until he ran out of cell phone minutes guy

8. Moody chain-smoking guy

9. Borrowed my accessories and makeup but still didn’t realize he preferred guys guy

10. Kept sending me books about “the swinging lifestyle” guy

Dear Dave, thank you for being you, and for liking cheese.  You’re my kind of guy. Read More »

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Love Means Never Having To Say Your Teeth Look Yellow

With two weeks left until our wedding, I’ve been trimming, tinting, plucking, waxing, shaping, toning and otherwise altering every cell of my body.  Meanwhile, Dave’s to-do list had one item: “Get haircut.”  I decided the only way to level the playing field would be for us to do some kind of beauty treatment TOGETHER.

Lucikly, Smile Brilliant had sent me two of their at-home LED Teeth Whitening kits for review.  And who doesn’t need a little brightening up before picture day?

IMG_8668

Read More »

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You’re Doing Date Night All Wrong

Parents of small children are advised to make time for date nights—their best hope for keeping the romantic connection alive. But in practice, what usually happens? You stay out past your bedtime, yawn through dinner and a movie, pay a babysitter a small fortune to watch TV while your kids sleep and the whole thing just makes you more tired the next day.

That’s why instead of date nights, my partner and I prefer date days. Are you judging us yet? I know, parents are supposed to spend quality time with their children on the weekends, but we don’t ditch our kid every Saturday–just once in a while. And when we do, it’s magical.  Keep reading at Lifetime Moms…

lep-W140719_0134 Read More »

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