How Motherhood Ruined Fifty Shades Of Grey For Me


On a recent girls’ night out, I caught a showing of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I wanted to see for myself what all the R-rated fuss was about. But instead of getting hot and bothered like I was supposed to, I just got, well, bothered.

To me, billionaire playboy Christian Grey wasn’t so much a sexy suitor as a creepy predator. He kept showing up uninvited in Anastasia Steele’s life and ordering her around. Though my daughter’s only four, I couldn’t help flashing forward and thinking that I definitely wouldn’t want her dating this guy when she’s a senior in college.

So, yeah, I’ve officially gotten to the age where instead of identifying with the young heroine in a movie, I imagine that she is my child. Which is why I was silently screaming, “Get off her, Christian—that girl is somebody’s daughter!” for most of the movie.

Let’s put aside the kinky sex for a moment and talk about Christian’s personality deficits. He’s got a temper, never smiles and doesn’t “do” relationships. A young woman should run from this man. But Anastasia does not, and I had a hard time understanding why. He’s definitely handsome and has a nice butt, but those dead shark eyes of his did nothing for me. In the hardware store scene, when Ana jokes that Christian must be buying all that rope and masking tape because he’s a serial killer, I thought, yeah, that sounds about right. He and Ted Bundy probably would have been pals.

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10 Reasons I’m Afraid To Bring Home Baby #2


You’d think I’d be less scared to have a baby the second time around. I already know what labor and delivery feel like, how to care for a newborn, and that my life will never be the same. I’m not a true veteran like Michelle Duggar, but at least I’ve done this before.

Unfortunately, when it comes to juggling a helpless new baby with an older child (whom I predict will be pissed off and needy), I’m a clueless first-timer. Here’s why I’m scared:

1. If you looked up “choking hazard” in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of my 4-year-old’s toy collection. The Lite Bright set alone is more dangerous than a loaded gun. Don’t get me started on the Legos.

2. My daughter might make good on her threat to “hide the baby in the closet” or “carry her upstairs all by myself.” I don’t need a baby monitor—I need to put a cow bell on my big girl so I can always hear her coming.

3. I really got used to having alone time during preschool hours. I probably won’t have alone time again for three years. My sanity feels sad about this.

4. Instead of sleeping when the baby sleeps, I imagine I’ll be giving my preschooler a much-needed dose of one-on-one “Mommy time.” So when exactly do I sleep? Is 2017 a good guess?

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7 Reasons I Can’t Take My Daughter to See Cinderella


In case you missed the gorgeous billboards or swoony trailer, there’s a new live-action Cinderella movie coming out March 13. What’s more, an exclusive “Frozen Fever” short will run before the film. You’d think I’d be first in line for tickets with my princess-obsessed, tiara-wearing 4-year-old daughter, but no can do. Here’s why:

1. Dead Parents – Sure, Disney loves to kill off its characters’ parents (see Bambi, Frozen, Snow White, Tarzan, etc.) and we know Cinderella must be orphaned to set up the whole evil stepmother dynamic. But in the 1950 animated version, this all happens off camera. In the live action film, we’ll have a chance to meet and grow attached to Cinderella’s kindly mum and dad, played by Hayley Atwel and Ben Chaplin. I am certain their disappearance would cause distress for my daughter and bring up so many questions, we might miss the rest of the dialogue.

2. Mean Girl Behavior – Before Regina George and her band of Plastics, there were the original mean girls—Cinderella’s wicked stepmother and stepsisters. And they are super mean, not only treating Cinderella as a servant but also destroying her party dress and forbidding her attendance at the ball. At this point in my daughter’s life, the worst girl-on-girl crime she’s experienced was being called “poo poo” by a preschool classmate. Let’s hold off on the vicious cruelty for as long as we can.

3. Step-familes Get a Bad Rap – Speaking of the stepmother…I have one, and she is not evil. With so many blended families in our world these days, I don’t want my daughter getting the wrong idea and thinking that step-relatives don’t love and care for their family members. I’d rather she watched re-runs of the Suzanne Somers classic, Step by Step”.

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You’ll Always Be My First


Dear Daughter,

“You’re my favorite person in the whole world” is not something you’re going to hear me say anymore. Not only is it unfair to Daddy, but it really won’t go over well with your baby sister, once she’s born and learns to talk. For now, though, it’s hard not to keep thinking it.

You, you, you. You’re the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. You changed everything. You turned me into a mom.

And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only girl, you will always be my first.

You’re the first one to make me forget myself.  You’re the first person I ever said “I love you” to more than ten times in one day. You’re the first human whose temperature I took, whose nose I wiped, and whose projectile vomit I was too tired to clean up and just sort of slept in.

With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor. Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.

Our baby’s coming soon, and while you may not be my only child any more, you’ll probably be the only kid who knows what it’s like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you?

This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your sister will have some advantages. I can’t imagine she will ever be bored or lonely for long–not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, costumes and magic tricks. I can’t wait to watch her watching you.

You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler and preschooler and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You’re the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into the future. You’re in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star.

So when you’re feeling frustrated that I’m nursing your sister instead of playing dress-up, or that I might use stern words with you but not her (she’s just a baby), or that I can’t stop talking about how cute she is (I like infants the way you like ponies), know that there is more than enough love for both of you, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made.

You, you, you. You will always be my first.

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No Doctors, No Hospital, No Medicine — No Way! (“Born in the Wild” Review)

Inside scoop: I got an advance copy of this trippy new Lifetime series from my friend Todd Lubin, who’s the Executive Producer.  The last time I worked with Todd (in my past life, before babies) was on a show called “Suburban Virgin,” where we actually documented late bloomer dudes losing their V-cards.  So it did not surprise me that Todd was making another crazy bananas show — this time, about extreme natural births.  It’s riveting – but scary! 

So set your DVR for the Tues 3/3 at 10p premiere of “Born in the Wild” on Lifetime, then check out what I wrote about it for Lifetime Moms…

Born in the Wild

One of the scariest things I’ve ever seen is coming soon to a television near you. “Born in the Wild,” a new Lifetime reality series premiering March 3, documents couples who eschew hospital births in favor of remote locations with no medical assistance. I cannot stop hearing the screams.

In the first episode, 24-year-old Audrey Bird prepares to give birth to her third child on a far-flung Alaskan beach, 150 miles away from the nearest hospital. While the typical pregnant woman fusses over birth plans and go bags, Audrey’s primary fears are leeches, mosquitoes, unpredictable weather, rising waters and bears. Yes, I said bears. Because the act of giving birth is apparently not challenging enough unless you’re also risking getting mauled to death.

So what’s the big idea behind giving birth in the wild?

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