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I Need A Miracle

I Need A Miracle

I felt pregnant. It was our third IVF attempt, and it seemed like they’d finally gotten my drug protocol right.  We made four gorgeous embryos, two of which were top rated, one of which was 8-celled, symmetrical and seemingly perfect. I was so certain I’d get pregnant...
The Breastfeeding Bride

The Breastfeeding Bride

I had this dream last night: I’m walking down the aisle in a gorgeous couture bridal gown (it’s my dream, I can wear what I want to).  Dave is waiting for me at the altar.  Our eyes meet.  Out of nowhere, a baby cries.  And then all of a sudden, I have Fembot boobs,...
The Two Week Wait

The Two Week Wait

Fertility world is ruled by acronyms.  TTC = Trying to Conceive.  AF = Aunt Flo.  BFP = Big Fat Positive (as in pregnancy test). And of course, IVF = It’s Very Frustrating. There are hormone pills and headaches, injections and bruising, mood swings and tears, constant...
Be Fruitful and Multiply?

Be Fruitful and Multiply?

Oh my God, you guys. After our first cycle of IVF didn’t take, Dr. Rosenpenis made us come in for a post-mortem to discuss what went wrong.  I was trying to hang onto my optimism, and the last thing I needed was more insane analogies. Do I even need to tell you...
Am I Being Acu-Punked?

Am I Being Acu-Punked?

Do you want to see something disgusting? No? Aw come on. This is the “tea” that my acupuncture doctor wants me to drink twice a day to help me get pregnant.   It looks like swamp mud.  It smells like someone pooped poison mushrooms. When I confess to her that I just...

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