The 9 Stages of Grieving the Brangelina Breakup

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce news is hitting me hard, yo. Longtime readers may remember that my second blog post ever was actually about Brangelina being “Carriage Before Marriage” just like me. Our weddings took place the same year. I pretty much assumed we’d all be planning a special trip together for our 10-year anniversaries. And now they’ve gone and ruined it.

brad-angelina-divorce-papers

So excuse me if I’m in a bad mood. If you’re feeling crushed, let down, and disappointed like I am, here are the 9 stages of grief you can expect to experience over the next few days:

1. Intense Curiosity

For the first few hours, I’m just clicking links. Page Six claims there’s another woman. TMZ blames Brad’s substance abuse and anger issues.  Twitter is blowing up with Jen Aniston memes. But I need more. This might be the week to swing by Walgreens and buy all the tabloids.

2. Smug “I Told you So” Attitude

I can’t help it – the words “once a cheater, always a cheater” are ringing in my ears. What did Angelina expect after she fell for a married man?

3. Guilt

What am I, a monster? They have 6 kids together!

4. Denial

This can’t be happening. Maybe they’ll get back together like Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green?

5. Anger

Dangit, I defended you guys! When everyone else was Team Jen, I said Noooooo, can’t you see they’re perfect together?  That Mr. and Mrs. Smith chemistry cannot be denied. The mutual passion for do-gooding. All those tattoos. Genes that could make this face:

shiloh

I had your back! Why you gotta make me look like a chump?

6. Assigning Blame

You know Brad, when I pictured us together, you were the guy from Legends of the Fall. Or at least Moneyball. But it turns out you were Floyd the stoner from True Romance all along. Six kids. Get it together, Brad.

7. Assigning Blame, Part Deux

And Angie, I know you’re a badass and all, but sole physical custody?  What happens if they all fall asleep in the car and need to be carried upstairs? Dads are nice to have around, even when they annoy us.

8. Depression

I guess that’s it. Love is dead.

9. Acceptance

Is Taylor Swift dating anyone new?

 

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