It’s hardly fair. After nine months of pregnancy aches and pains, I assumed I’d feel so much better once the baby was born. But though my nausea and heartburn quickly faded, my hormones went haywire, my hair fell out and I needed maxi pads in size jumbo elephant.
Horrified? Just wait, there’s more! So much more. I’ve been to this sloppy rodeo twice now, so I’m here to tell you the freaky truth about our postpartum bodies, and some practical advice to get through it all.
1. The Grand Canyon – It only takes a few hours to dilate to 10 centimeters, so why does it take so much longer to snap back? Right after birth, my lady parts felt like they were flapping in the breeze, and things were so wide open down there, I was scared a vital organ would fall out and land in my shoe. My advice: No matter what, do not bend over naked and look in a mirror. You can’t unsee it this stuff.
2. I.P. Freely – I thought that poor bladder control was just a pregnancy thing, but all that pressure on your pelvic floor really takes its toll on your plumbing. So yeah, you’re still going to function like a leaky faucet, especially if you laugh or sneeze. My advice: Whatever you do, don’t bounce on a trampoline unless you’re wearing a Poise pad.
3. Am I Still in Labor? – I was nursing my newborn when I felt the unmistakable pain of a contraction. WTF? Was I having post traumatic flashbacks? Turns out that in order for the uterus to return to its normal size, it contracts just like when you’re in labor—and these contractions can be intensified by nursing or orgasm. My advice: Avoid orgasm, you postpartum sex monster. LOL.
4. Night Fever – A few nights after I got home from the hospital, something woke me, and for once, it wasn’t a hungry baby. Full body chills and night sweats, a product of post-pregnancy hormonal shifts, left me drenched and freezing. Or boiling hot. You never know. My advice: Go to bed in layers, and be prepared for a summer or winter look, depending.
Continue the horror at mom.me….