Dear Younger Self,
You were so cool. You saw Jane’s Addiction play their first tour. You hennaed your hair and stayed in hostels. You wore combat boots with baby blue thigh-highs. You danced on tables—not for money, just for sport.
But you know what? If you could see yourself now, in your 40s, you wouldn’t even want to be friends with you. Because you’re boring. And you’re definitely not cool anymore. But weirdly, you’re happy.
Brace yourself, because here’s what you care about in the future:
1. Getting a good night’s sleep
2. Organizing the pantry
3. The magical cleaning powers of vinegar
5. Keeping current on The Good Wife, because spoilers
6. Paying the right amount for car insurance
7. What to do with the kabocha squash that came in this month’s farm box
8. Getting a good volunteering slot at the preschool fundraiser
9. Finding a throw pillow the perfect shade between teal and robin’s egg
10. Shredding credit card offers to prevent identity theft
11. How to season a cast iron skillet
12. Installing car seats
13. Aluminum foil vs. parchment paper
14. Remembering to bring reading glasses
15. Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons
16. Vitamin D deficiency
17. Local politics, insofar as they affect traffic and parking
18. Saying fudge instead of fuck
19. Avoiding germs
20. Finding Barbie’s other shoe
See ya in 20 more years when I’m shellacking myself with Ben Gay in front of Diagnosis Murder: The Next Generation.