Dear Santa: 12 Things I REALLY Want for Xmas

Dear Santa,

As you know, I’m Jewish, but that’s never stopped me from sitting on your lap at the mall.  So I’ve made you a list, and I hope you’ll check it twice.  And when you’re done here, please visit my platonic boyfriend Adrian over at Dad or Alive and check his list three times because it’s a doozy.

Dear Santa

Via: Hockeydino

Since I already have my two front teeth and am part owner of an obscenely large dollhouse, I had to think outside the box a little. 
So here’s what I really want for Christmas: 

1. A time machine so I can go back to my 20s and smack myself for not appreciating my free time, unlimited energy, ability to binge drink without hangovers AND eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Also I’d use it to stop the Kennedy assassination. But mostly just to smack myself.

2 A self-cleaning kitchen.

3. For Dora the Explorer to fall into a gentle, painless coma, not to awaken until my daughter is 10 and watching Friends re-runs. 

4. A new book called “The Pasta Diet” filled with waistline-reducing Fettuccine Alfredo recipes. 

5. For mom blogging to achieve the status of rocket science or professional basketball, as in “My son-the-doctor married way above his station – to a blogger.”

6. To become a practice dummy for a massage school.  Minimum wage for that is fine.

7. For Julie Andrews–playing either Mary Poppins or Maria from The Sound of Music–to come over once a week and give me childcare lessons.  I’m doing okay, but there’s room for improvement, especially in the singing-on-key and making-kids’-clothes-from-curtains departments.

8. A coupon entitling me to sleep in until it’s bedtime again.

9. High heels that look like Louboutins, feel like Ugg boots and smell like chocolate pudding.   

10. A year of wildly romantic date nights, during which I never inappropriately yawn.

11. Twerking lessons.

12. And a baby.  A self-cleaning one.

Love, Amy

P.S. Don’t forget to check Dad or Alive’s list.  He told me he was really excited about getting his stocking stuffed.

P.P.S. Sorry I burnt the cookies.



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  1. Posted December 20, 2013 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    I don’t know about being the practice dummy. I would certainly like to receive more massages but I fear I would be worked on by the people who fail massage school.

    • Posted December 20, 2013 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

      Maybe we could volunteer to be the practice dumnmy for the final exams, not the entering freshman. I don’t know – I just know I need more massages in my life. Happy Holiday!

  2. Posted December 22, 2013 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

    Could so relate to #1. I keep shaking my head at myself thinking how stupidly I wasted all that free time. If I knew how precious TWO hours could be after the kiddos are asleep, I would have done a whole lot more with the, oh… SIXTEEN I had all to myself before kids.

    • Posted December 30, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

      I try to think of it not as wasting all that precious free time (I mean someone had to drink all that beer) but as not appreciating how great it was when I had.

One Trackback

  • […] It’s been a minute since we’ve had a sit-down.  I’m a parent now and I apologize, but my Christmas list has become a tad more complicated.  I’m hoping you can take a look at this and help me out this holiday season.  And if you have a minute to spare, I’d like to put in a good word for my girl, Amy, at Carriage Before Marriage.  She’s that naughty kind of nice and is hoping you can bring her some cheer this season too!  Here’s her list. […]