As you know, I’m Jewish, but that’s never stopped me from sitting on your lap at the mall. So I’ve made you a list, and I hope you’ll check it twice. And when you’re done here, please visit my platonic boyfriend Adrian over at Dad or Alive and check his list three times because it’s a doozy.
Since I already have my two front teeth and am part owner of an obscenely large dollhouse, I had to think outside the box a little.
So here’s what I really want for Christmas:
1. A time machine so I can go back to my 20s and smack myself for not appreciating my free time, unlimited energy, ability to binge drink without hangovers AND eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Also I’d use it to stop the Kennedy assassination. But mostly just to smack myself.
2 A self-cleaning kitchen.
3. For Dora the Explorer to fall into a gentle, painless coma, not to awaken until my daughter is 10 and watching Friends re-runs.
4. A new book called “The Pasta Diet” filled with waistline-reducing Fettuccine Alfredo recipes.
5. For mom blogging to achieve the status of rocket science or professional basketball, as in “My son-the-doctor married way above his station – to a blogger.”
6. To become a practice dummy for a massage school. Minimum wage for that is fine.
7. For Julie Andrews–playing either Mary Poppins or Maria from The Sound of Music–to come over once a week and give me childcare lessons. I’m doing okay, but there’s room for improvement, especially in the singing-on-key and making-kids’-clothes-from-curtains departments.
8. A coupon entitling me to sleep in until it’s bedtime again.
9. High heels that look like Louboutins, feel like Ugg boots and smell like chocolate pudding.
10. A year of wildly romantic date nights, during which I never inappropriately yawn.
11. Twerking lessons.
12. And a baby. A self-cleaning one.
P.S. Don’t forget to check Dad or Alive’s list. He told me he was really excited about getting his stocking stuffed.
P.P.S. Sorry I burnt the cookies.