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Now that my little one is in preschool, there are no more excuses: I have to lose the baby weight.  But getting back into the gym after a three year hiatus is hard, and not just because my flabby ass would rather sit still on the bike (that’s why they call it stationary) watching re-runs of Law & Order than actually feel the burn.

working out funny in the powder room

No, the toughest thing about the gym is the irritating cast of characters I must endure for the (brief) length of my workouts.  Have you seen these assclowns at your gym?  Something tells me they’re everywhere. 

1. Noisy Ned – Pumping iron that’s much too heavy for him, he releases his weights by letting them plummet to earth.  Working out next to him is like visiting a construction site in a thunder storm – clang, bang, crash, boom!   It’s hard to get into my own rhythm when every few seconds the sky falls and I’m looking for the emergency exit.  At least he gets my heart rate up.

2. Olivia O-Face – She’s working hard, so hard it hurts, baby.  Her grunts of exertion are like a cross between Monica Seles at Wimbledon and Jenna Jameson at work.  Exercising next to O-Face feels uncomfortably intimate, like I’ve walked in on her pleasuring herself to a Channing Tatum poster.  Just come already so I can get back to my workout! 

3. Lazy Larry – This guy commandeers my favorite machine for what seems like hours, leisurely reading a newspaper between sets with his cheeks firmly planted on my go-to gear.  Larry would get just as good a workout at Starbucks, but then his Match.com profile couldn’t accurately claim he hits the gym five times a week.  If being inconsiderate burned calories, Larry would be in really great shape. 

3. Lazy Larry
This guy commandeers my favorite machine for what seems like hours, leisurely reading a newspaper between sets with his cheeks firmly planted on my go-to gear. Larry would get just as good a workout at Starbucks, but then his Match.com profile couldn’t accurately claim he hits the gym five times a week. If being inconsiderate burned calories, Larry would be in really great shape.

4. Naked Nancy
Working out in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts, she pretends to be oblivious to all the sweaty dudes gawking at her. But the real show’s in the locker room, where Nancy likes to carry on conversations buck nekkid while spread eagled over a bench, plucking the ingrowns from her Brazilian wax. I don’t think I showed that much skin during my vaginal birth.

5. Cell Phone Steve
Never mind the signs prohibiting cell phone use on the gym floor, they don’t apply to our man Steve because he’s way too important—so important that he’ll spend 30 minutes on the treadmill barking about very important things, very importantly. Steve is in real danger of being murdered.

If I don’t lose the baby weight, you’ll know whom to blame.

Love,

The 6th most annoying person at the gym—Bitter Bunny.

– See more at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-10-annoying-gym-people.html#sthash.L6IKlY2v.dpuf

4. Naked Nancy
Working out in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts, she pretends to be oblivious to all the sweaty dudes gawking at her. But the real show’s in the locker room, where Nancy likes to carry on conversations buck nekkid while spread eagled over a bench, plucking the ingrowns from her Brazilian wax. I don’t think I showed that much skin during my vaginal birth.

5. Cell Phone Steve
Never mind the signs prohibiting cell phone use on the gym floor, they don’t apply to our man Steve because he’s way too important—so important that he’ll spend 30 minutes on the treadmill barking about very important things, very importantly. Steve is in real danger of being murdered.

If I don’t lose the baby weight, you’ll know whom to blame.

Love,

The 6th most annoying person at the gym—Bitter Bunny.

4. Naked Nancy
Working out in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts, she pretends to be oblivious to all the sweaty dudes gawking at her. But the real show’s in the locker room, where Nancy likes to carry on conversations buck nekkid while spread eagled over a bench, plucking the ingrowns from her Brazilian wax. I don’t think I showed that much skin during my vaginal birth.

5. Cell Phone Steve
Never mind the signs prohibiting cell phone use on the gym floor, they don’t apply to our man Steve because he’s way too important—so important that he’ll spend 30 minutes on the treadmill barking about very important things, very importantly. Steve is in real danger of being murdered.

If I don’t lose the baby weight, you’ll know whom to blame.

Love,

The 6th most annoying person at the gym—Bitter Bunny.

– See more at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-10-annoying-gym-people.html#sthash.L6IKlY2v.dpuf

3. Lazy Larry
This guy commandeers my favorite machine for what seems like hours, leisurely reading a newspaper between sets with his cheeks firmly planted on my go-to gear. Larry would get just as good a workout at Starbucks, but then his Match.com profile couldn’t accurately claim he hits the gym five times a week. If being inconsiderate burned calories, Larry would be in really great shape.

4. Naked Nancy
Working out in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts, she pretends to be oblivious to all the sweaty dudes gawking at her. But the real show’s in the locker room, where Nancy likes to carry on conversations buck nekkid while spread eagled over a bench, plucking the ingrowns from her Brazilian wax. I don’t think I showed that much skin during my vaginal birth.

5. Cell Phone Steve
Never mind the signs prohibiting cell phone use on the gym floor, they don’t apply to our man Steve because he’s way too important—so important that he’ll spend 30 minutes on the treadmill barking about very important things, very importantly. Steve is in real danger of being murdered.

If I don’t lose the baby weight, you’ll know whom to blame.

Love,

The 6th most annoying person at the gym—Bitter Bunny.

– See more at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-10-annoying-gym-people.html#sthash.L6IKlY2v.dpuf

 

Before Now that my little one is headed off to preschool, there are no more excuses: I have to lose the baby weight. But getting back into the gym after a three-year hiatus is hard, and not just because my flabby ass would rather sit still on the bike (that’s why they call it stationary) watching re-runs of Law & Order than actually feel the burn.

No, the toughest thing about the gym is the irritating cast of characters I must endure for the (brief) length of my workouts. Have you seen these assclowns at your gym? Something tells me they’re everywhere.

1. Noisy Ned
Pumping iron that’s much too heavy for him, he releases his weights by letting them plummet to earth. Working out next to him is like visiting a construction site in a thunder storm—clang, bang, crash, boom! It’s hard to get into my own rhythm when every few seconds the sky falls and I’m looking for the emergency exit. At least he gets my heart rate up.

2. Olivia O-Face
She’s working hard, so hard it hurts, baby. Her grunts of exertion are like a cross between Monica Seles at Wimbledon and Jenna Jameson at work. Exercising next to O-Face feels uncomfortably intimate, like I’ve walked in on her pleasuring herself to a Channing Tatum poster. Just come already so I can get back to my workout!

3. Lazy Larry
This guy commandeers my favorite machine for what seems like hours, leisurely reading a newspaper between sets with his cheeks firmly planted on my go-to gear. Larry would get just as good a workout at Starbucks, but then his Match.com profile couldn’t accurately claim he hits the gym five times a week. If being inconsiderate burned calories, Larry would be in really great shape.

– See more at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-10-annoying-gym-people.html#sthash.OlI79vJW.dpuf

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