14 Things Not To Get Your Wife For Valentine’s Day

Adrian at Dad or Alive pitched me the idea of writing this list as a public service.  His answer, “14 Things Not To Get Your Husband…” will appear later this week.

1. Lingerie – Unless your wife is an actual Victoria’s Secret model, in which case you’ll be doing your Valentine’s Day shopping at Harry Winston, you don’t want to navigate this minefield.  Bring home a size too big and you’ll insult her; give her undies she can’t squeeze into and you’ll depress her.  Neither of those avenues leads to your pants.

2. Heart Mug – Nothing says “I forgot it was Valentine’s Day so I stopped at the gas station on the way home” like a coffee mug with a big heart on it.  Such an object is ripe for throwing.  Duck!

3. A Coupon For Your Body – Whoever invented these cheap-ass romance coupon books probably did get laid using one, but that was the only time it ever worked.  Seriously, do we need a coupon for your body?  Not last time I checked.  Now go buy her a present.

sex coupon

4. Dustbuster – Your wife is your Carol Brady – why are you trying to make her feel like Alice?   Forget about household appliances.  Instead, imagine what Jay-Z is giving Beyonce.  Now find an affordable version of that.

5. Gym Membership – Sinatra sang about “the way you look tonight.”  A gym membership says, “I’d really like it if you looked different than you do tonight.”  Ditto elliptical machines, hand weights and exercise videos.  A smoking hot personal trainer who gives encouraging shoulder massages could be the exception here.

6. Drug Store Chocolate – A big box of crap movie theater candy does not make a girl feel special—it just gives her calorie anxiety.  If you know she loves chocolate, step up your game and go gourmet, like truffles, preferably tequila infused, bacon stuffed or diamond encrusted.

7. Perfume – A sexy scent is a great idea if you know exactly what your lady likes. So let me ask you a few questions: Is she into citrus, floral, fruity, green, spicy, oceanic, woody, musky or patchouli?   Does she prefer an eau de parfum or an eau de toilette?  Does she have allergies?   Is there any chance the scent you’re buying is that exact same one your mother or ex-girlfriend wears?   Unless you can ace that quiz, go for luxury scented bath products or candles instead.

For the rest of the list, visit Dad or Alive where I’m guest blogging.  And check back Thursday for Adrian’s response, “10 Things Not To Get Your Husband For Valentine’s Day.”

Before you go…please keep casting your vote for Carriage Before Marriage to be a Top 25 Funny Mom Blog, once a day until February 13.  Thank you!


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  1. Epstein's Mother
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

    You are so incredibly funny! You left out a secret tulip and a lawnmower. I advise against a Water Pic.

    • Posted February 5, 2013 at 9:25 am | Permalink

      Thanks, biggest fan

  2. Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:31 pm | Permalink

    OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. And sorry about the caps. I just got really excited. My husband and I sort of “agree to not make a big deal of Valentine’s Day” which means we both fail in the gift department. As soon as I read #1, I was planning on remembering it as my favorite for this comment, but seriously? They were all. my. favorite.
    Laughing. Thanks :)
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..The evolution of a blogger: Part 2My Profile

    • Posted February 5, 2013 at 9:25 am | Permalink

      Thanks, I love the enthusiasm!! We are not big gift givers either – doing a nice dinner this year – but he does tend to pick out excellent flowers and cards.

  3. Posted February 5, 2013 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    Hilarious, Amy :) Thankfully my husband has not been guilty of any of the above crimes. Honestly we’ve just been doing Valentine’s dinners and those have been really meaningful to me (time away from the kids! wearing heels and jewelry!).
    Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other momsMy Profile

    • Posted February 5, 2013 at 9:25 am | Permalink

      Admittedly, that’s exactly what we’re doing this year. I’m glad you reminded me I should wear heels. I swear I would wear the yoga pants if I didn’t think about it.

  4. Posted February 5, 2013 at 6:41 pm | Permalink

    I take offense to this post. Many of the items on the list could be thoughtful gifts for Valentines Day.

    What’s next, flowers are not good enough? By the way, I am a man.
    Allen@funnybabyvids recently posted..Funny Baby Video: Dog Attacks BabyMy Profile

    • Posted February 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

      Which of these items do you think would be thoughtful gifts? The cheap coupons, the too-tight lingerie, the demeaning dustbuster? Just wondering. Seriously though, flowers are always good enough, but unfortunately a lot of guys don’t realize that florist flowers, farmer’s market flowers or even hand-picked wildflowers are a lot nicer than those sad 7-11 flowers.

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