​Instructions for Robot, aka the 30 Things I Do Most Each Day

Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives—the awesome original or the campy/crappy remake?

I got to thinking about the robot that would replace me if I lived in Stepford, and how easy it would be to program it.  There are only about 30 things that I do all day – I just do each of them a lot.

  1. Pick baby up
  2. Put her down
  3. Wipe milk from couch cushions
  4. Wipe sticky fingers and face
  5. Just keep wiping
  6. Say “food stays on the tray”
  7. Remove Cheerios, one at a time, from the floor
  8. Wrestle an alligator (diaper change)
  9. Wrestle an alligator (car seat edition)
  10. Try to get sun screen on the alligator
  11. Push a swing and say “Wheeee”

    Wheeee

  12. Eat cheddar bunnies and drink from the sippy (share some with baby)
  13. Employ the 5-second rule
  14. Snap a photo a half second after baby does something new/amazing/adorable
  15. Spend 20 minutes trying to recapture missed photo op glory
  16. Make friends with dogs
  17. Buy milk and bananas
  18. Check Facebook and sigh at all the people on vacation
  19. Perform my one-woman show “I’m peeing on the potty” for a captive audience
  20. Take out toys
  21. Put away toys
  22. Try unsuccessfully to prevent the reemergence of the toys
  23. Rudely interrupt play time to prepare a meal (over objections of alligator, who may bite)
  24. Observe baby drinking bath water (look the other way)
  25. Observe baby not making contact between teeth and toothbrush (look the other way)
  26. Wrestle sleepy alligator (pajamas)
  27. Read Goodnight Moon from memory in reverse order just to keep things interesting
  28. Fall asleep with eyes open while singing Twinkle Twinkle
  29. Feel lucky, get worried, knock wood (the robot will not bother with this)
  30. Kiss the baby

 

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12 Comments

  1. Mailisha Chesney
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 3:45 am | Permalink

    Ha! I love your blog so much, Amy! Hilarious. I especially love #14 & 15. This is what I do too- and it -like so much of parenting!- drives me NUTS. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth “risking the moment” to go grab the camera… Sigh.

    • Posted September 27, 2012 at 4:55 am | Permalink

      Thank you! I know, I’d feel worse about it if it was a new, technology-created interruption, but I’m pretty sure our parents did this with their film cameras too.

  2. donna t
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 6:31 am | Permalink

    HAHAHA – seriously one of the best posts on the day in the life of a mommy I’ve ever read. Love it. 14, 15 & 24 really hit home with me :)

    • Posted September 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

      Thanks Donna! How bad can the bath water be, right?

  3. Katherine
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    omg THIS is my life!! And after each time my walls and floor get graffitied, there’s a rousing chorus of “WHERE does the crayon go? on the PAPER!”

    • Posted September 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm | Permalink

      Oh that’s a good one.

  4. Gina
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    Omg Amy! this is hilarious! Lee and i laughed out loud through this whole thing. defintely describes a day in the life! especially love 6, 18, 24!

  5. Rachel
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    I live 14 and 15 constantly!

    • Posted September 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

      I wish there were cameras in my eyes. I’m pretty sure Apple will come out with that soon.

  6. Posted September 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm | Permalink

    Did you write this list about ME? Haha. I especially liked #19, as I too am a one-woman “peeing on the potty” show. And also #25. Glad to hear someone else looks the other way when a sub-par toddler toothbrushing job is happening. E sucks the flavor (i.e. the toothpaste) off the toothbrush, then sets it on a pillow and walks away.
    Hannah recently posted..Kiss My Shrimp & GritsMy Profile

    • Posted September 27, 2012 at 7:55 pm | Permalink

      Yes I’ve totally been spying on you. And we have the same life, except I’m not as useful in the kitchen.

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