5 Things I Miss About The Newborn Stage


Dave had to work on Sunday so I hung out with my friend Lisa and her 7-week-old son.

Viv, Lisa and baby Joshua

Truth was, I needed a reprieve from being alone with my 19-month-old, who has an overabundance of emotions these days and had just expressed herself by (A) dumping an ice cold glass of water down my shirt and (B) slamming a hardcover book into my lower lip.

The line between toddler and sociopath is so very, very thin.

Spending time with a 7-week-old who did not hit me in the face or require me to make the same green Play-Doh turtle over and over again so that she could smash it, I was reminded of the simple joys of parenting a newborn:

1. Newborns are Light and Portable – You can practically throw one in your purse.  A newborn feels like a six-pack.  A toddler is a keg.  My arms are tired, yet strangely not toned.
2. They Stay Where You Put Them – Newborns are so compliant–they never jump off the bed, accidentally lock themselves in the bathroom or run into the street.
3. They Only Eat White Food – Milk, even when projectile vomited, totally washes out of clothes.  Not so, my daughter’s meal of spaghetti & meatballs with a pink popsicle chaser.   I’m not even sure that’s going to wash off of her face.   What non-parent decided popsicles should come in day glo colors, anyway?

From now on, only lemon and vanilla

4. They’ll Sleep Anywhere –  In the car, in the stroller, in Bloomingdale’s, at lunch, at the nail salon, on your lap while you watch Dancing With The Stars.  I wish I’d done more selfish things while I had the chance.

Joshua, chillin' like a villain

5. People Keep Congratulating You – While I was out walking with Lisa, she got stopped a half a dozen times by beaming strangers who wanted to smile at the baby and welcome her into the parenthood clubhouse.   How come nobody admired me while I begged my daughter to please stop eating mushed banana off the sidewalk like an indiscriminate vagrant?  I could use the self esteem boost.

When my toddler’s not being a pain in the ass, and even when she is, she’s pretty awesome.  But after spending time with a sweet little newborn, it was clear to me why people keep having more babies.

What a scam.

 

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6 Comments

  1. Epstein's Mother
    Posted August 7, 2012 at 7:38 am | Permalink

    What goes around comes around Hahahahahaha

  2. Katie
    Posted August 7, 2012 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    I want this: “The line between toddler and sociopath is so very, very thin.” put on a tshirt or something. I laughed so hard at that.

    • Amy
      Posted August 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

      Ha! Katie, if you make those shirts, I’ll buy one.

  3. annie
    Posted August 7, 2012 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    Ha ha!!! “The line between toddler and sociopath is so very, very thin.” So true! To add to your #2 – They don’t get up and bolt while you’re changing their diaper (only to find them staring at you while peeing on the area rug instead of the giant space of hardwood floor)

    • Amy
      Posted August 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

      Annie, I hope for your sake it’s a yellow area rug. Diaper changes are 10x harder than they used to be, and stinkier too.

  4. donna t
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    LOL – I can so relate to this post, especially the part where you said you’d wish you’d done more selfish things when you had the chance AND how your arms are tired, yet strangely not toned :) My son is almost 3 now and 35lbs….another kid from his class is only 30lbs, when I went to pick him up I almost threw him across the room because I was expecting him to be heavier and I put a bit too much in to it!!! Who knew 5lbs made such a difference. Ah the things you learn as a mother…..

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