First Comes Love

“Just what the world needs: another mommy blog,” you are surely not thinking, since if you are reading this you are probably related to me and you are just happy I’m writing.   But in case you don’t know me, my name is Amy and I’m a reality television producer slash sometimes writer currently at home with my little girl, Viv.   The twist is that while I am raising my daughter, I am also planning my wedding to her father.   Carriage Before Marriage!  Welcome to the blog!

So how did we get here?

For me, prioritizing a baby ahead of a wedding was all about pushing the snooze button on my 39-year-old biological clock.  I knew I’d found the love of my life in Dave, but following the traditional path to the altar with its lengthy calendar of ring procurement, engagement, wedding planning, bridal showers, cake tastings and the like, while all along my fertility dove off a cliff, was way too stressful for me.   Sure, we could have sped things along by eloping, but a courthouse wedding would have denied me of my lifelong dream of registering for really good cookware.

So, I thought, why not switch up the order?   First comes love, then comes carriage.  Of course, I didn’t have the guts to pitch this plan to Dave until I got accidentally pregnant.

the scream

It was actually not that shocking, since our super scientific birth control plan boiled down to whether we felt like using any that day.   Still, Dave’s initial reaction to my news was, and I am not making this up, “What are our options?”   My brain said, “Jackass, you don’t ask a 39-year-old woman what her options are!”  But thankfully my mouth said, “Um…” and waited until Dave came to the right conclusion on his own, i.e. let’s take this gift and write the universe a nice thank you note.   We spent the weekend making plans.  We were nervous but excited.

To Dave’s credit (massive understatement), even after I lost that pregnancy, he still wanted to have a baby with me.   We never really considered getting married first.  Call us delusional, but a wedding sounded so much scarier than a baby.   Bring on the sleepless nights and poopie diapers, we thought, if it meant we could skip over the seating charts and invitations.   In hindsight, I realize how dumb that sounds.

Given that it was 2010 and we were grown-ups in our 30s, we didn’t expect any flack.  We were wrong.    Upon hearing I was pregnant, a friend asked, “Who’s the father?” despite that fact that I had a live-in boyfriend.    Dave’s parents and my mom were on board, though they rationalized to their friends, “That’s how they do it in California.”

hippies (in California?)

My father was another story.  I thought of my dad as a pretty hip sexagenarian who once took my 12-year-old brother to a Run DMC Concert.  But when presented with the news that I was pregnant while unmarried, he went catatonic for about a week.  I suppose pregnancy destroyed the illusion that I might still be a virgin.  Fathers.

I tried to put myself in his shoes.  In our parents’ day, a pregnancy usually led to a shotgun wedding.  Today, it leads to blogging.

Anyway, the nice thing about being pregnant is that in the end there is a very cute baby and then everyone is pretty psyched, whether you’re married or not.  And when Viv was born in January, 2011, our little family of three was so dreamy that I could have remained technically single for the rest of my life and never felt unfulfilled.  Which is why I didn’t even see it coming when Dave proposed on Valentine’s Day, while I held Viv in my arms.

baby and ring

So now we’re doing this thing.  And I’m thrilled.  But I’m not sure how we’re going to pull off all the planning while carting around a toddler.  And to make things a little more interesting, we’re also trying for baby #2 (same reason as before, just add two years).   I feel extremely lucky and a little crazy.  My knuckles are bruised from knocking on wood.

I think the blogging will help me keep it together, or laugh while trying.   Thanks for checking it out.  Maybe you’ll subscribe (it’s free!) and then you’ll receive the next post, which will be a link to my Williams Sonoma registry.   Kidding!    It will be about why, despite all my liberal posing, I frequently lie and call Dave my husband.  More to come…

 

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43 Comments

  1. Jeffrey
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    I’m looking forward to seeing more of your wrintg, hope all’s well in your world.

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 9:57 am | Permalink

      Thanks Jeffrey!

  2. Jen
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    Love your story, Amy. Keep the posts
    coming!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm | Permalink

      Thanks I will!

  3. Ben
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    Sweet!!!! Keep it up.

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

      I still live for Heywood Happenings.

      • Onnie
        Posted January 5, 2012 at 6:31 pm | Permalink

        Got a URL for Heywood Happenings??

        Amy – glad to see your “voice” out on the internets and look forward to reading more.

        • Amy
          Posted January 5, 2012 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

          Onnie, I think it’s a private site so get the URL from Ben & Sherie, but you will love it. Thanks for the encouragement – great to hear from you.

  4. Posted January 4, 2012 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    Love the carriage before marriage! It’s betta than marriage, carriage and divorce… lol! Happy New Year. x

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

      LOL Mads…what about marriage, carriage, divorce and marriage?

      • Lisa lips
        Posted January 6, 2012 at 7:22 am | Permalink

        Or…how bout marriage, then marriage, carriage, divorce, then common law husband? Me likey!

  5. Hutch
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    this may even be better than when you finally joined Facebook :-) love it!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

      Facebook really paved the way, Hutch. Gateway drug.

  6. Melissa meyer
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

    Always amazed by your talents … Love the blog!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

      Thanks so much Melissa!

  7. Posted January 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm | Permalink

    Great blog! And thanks for the link!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

      Jerry I’m a huge fan! Hope the transition to NY is going great.

  8. Loren Segan
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm | Permalink

    THRILLED you’re writing. always love to hear what you have to say–and HOW you say it. know i’m not the only one. so, keep ‘em coming, sister. xoox L

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

      Thanks for the sweet support, Loren.

  9. Paula
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    great blog!! can’t wait for the next one. P

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

      Thanks Paula!

  10. kara slater
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

    clever and hysterical! cant wait for the next one!!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm | Permalink

      Thanks Kara!

  11. Sherie Heywood
    Posted January 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Yay – another Mommy blogger. One with some verve AND a Viv!

    • Amy
      Posted January 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm | Permalink

      Not nearly as clever as your holiday card, Sherie!

  12. Nigel
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    Very nice, can’t wait for more!

    • Amy
      Posted January 5, 2012 at 8:39 pm | Permalink

      Thanks Nigel!

  13. Lisa lips
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    First I will tell you how creatively thought out it is to do this. I on the other hand wear pjs all day, and just eat smoked pork.

    Then, lets talk. I have suggestions. I know, I’m self indulgent. But there’s so much more rich detail to put out there that is juicy and just plain funny. It’s in there and should be out! of course if you don’t want suggestions, call me anyway!

    • Amy
      Posted January 6, 2012 at 7:09 am | Permalink

      Lisa, that’s one of my goals. First comes blog, then comes PJ’s and bacon.

  14. barbara berdy
    Posted January 17, 2012 at 5:59 am | Permalink

    Hi Amy,
    As ever, your writing is delightful. Keep it up. Have you considered publishing?

    Barbara

    • Amy
      Posted January 17, 2012 at 9:48 am | Permalink

      Thanks Barbara. Would love to at some point.

  15. Adrienne
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

    Just heard about your blog from some of your readers at a baby shower in Manhattan on Saturday, Amy. Love it! I am living mortgage-before-marriage, sans carriage, with my man in rural CT- and am looking forward to following your saga!

    • Amy
      Posted February 6, 2012 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

      So good to hear from you, Adrienne! Congrats on the mortgage & man! Love that you will be reading the blog – please subscribe, and tell a friend xo

  16. Melissa
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 5:37 am | Permalink

    Hi Amy. I am a 30 year old with a live in boyfriend and we just found out we are pregnant. We had plans for a wedding in the near future and now that’s on hold. While I have felt like someone with two personalities because I am excited yet picture myself running away crying because I am OCD and my plan is now backwards, I think your blog will help ground me! Thank you!! Can’t wait to read the rest!

    • Amy
      Posted May 22, 2012 at 6:30 am | Permalink

      Melissa, congratulations! I know it’s not the order you planned, but it can still be wonderful. As you’ll see from my blog, it’s a little more challenging to plan a traditional wedding when you’re caring for a young baby (unless you have lots of family around to help, which would be nice!). But it will all happen in good time. Just do whatever feels right for you and your boyfriend. Try not to worry about the way things are “supposed” to be and enjoy them the way they are. Good luck and welcome to the blog.

  17. Mailisha
    Posted July 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm | Permalink

    Amy, you’re hilarious! I’m glad I found you. :)

    PS
    My second daughter was born just a month before Viv. And I’m 41, btw.

    • Amy
      Posted July 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm | Permalink

      I’m so glad you found me too – I noticed that your subscription is not yet verified so please try again – sometimes the email from Feedburner goes to SPAM. Welcome to the blog!

  18. Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:16 am | Permalink

    I just found your blog today and I am making it my mission to read all your entries by tomorrow (I’d normally say tonight but damn work gets in the way). I’ve taken a break from my own blog for a bit but your path in life is where I think mine may be headed soon…my boyfriend and I have been talking about having a baby before getting married.

    Looking forward to reading the rest of your blog over the next 24 hours!
    Soontobesinglemom recently posted..Second ChancesMy Profile

    • Posted December 10, 2012 at 8:29 pm | Permalink

      I’m honored! Happy reading. I find the baby-first thing is less risky if you are older and established. If you’re young, there are advantages to putting marriage first. But good luck with whatever you decide!

  19. Denita
    Posted January 22, 2013 at 10:37 am | Permalink

    Great to discover a new blog! And I look forward to reading more!
    Denita recently posted..Meet you on the other side…My Profile

  20. violet
    Posted April 14, 2014 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

    Gosh do people really care whether someone is married before they have a child these days.
    My Husband and I met when we were 21 – (25 years ago) and got engaged at 22, moved in together at 23 – had our first child at 25 and second at 30 and finally got married when we were 43 a full 21 years after getting engaged.
    Not one person I knew ever said a word about our marital status or lack of it – in fact the majority of my friends had or have the same marital status as we did. I know it is supposed to be a lot more liberal in the UK, but I would thought at your age no one would of cared one way or another what you chose to do.

    • Posted April 16, 2014 at 3:59 pm | Permalink

      The U.S. is so confused – puritanical when it doesn’t matter (like caring about out-of-wedlock babies) and way over edge when it does matter, like sexualizing young girls in our advertising. We’re a mess!

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