Top 10 Irrational Fears About My Wedding Day

1. That I will wake up with a head cold, my period and hives

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2. That my best laid bridal beauty plans won’t come together

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3. And that I’ll somehow have an 80s perm just like at my bat mitzvah

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4. That the officiant will begin, “Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today” 

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5. And then he’ll bring up the Holy Goat

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6. That my ring won’t fit because of all the Pringles

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7. That during the first dance, I will knock over the three-tiered wedding cake with my bustle

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8. That I will mistakenly give the DJ the “no play” list instead of the “must play” list  

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9. That I’ll forget everyone’s name.  And also how to speak.

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10. That it will snow.  In Malibu.

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Making The Move From Crib To Big Kid Bed Without Losing Sleep…Or Your Mind

Just as no kid heads off to college still wearing diapers, you can be sure your crib-loving toddler will eventually sleep in an actual bed. But when should you make the transition, and how?

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A lot of toddlers get their crib eviction notices from a new baby, but since we’re still trying for #2, there was no pressure. In fact, I wanted to keep my daughter in her crib as long as possible. She’s always been a bedtime staller, and the crib was the only thing that could contain her perpetual motion. That is, until she was three.

Late one night, while my fiancé and I watched TV in the living room, I felt the sensation of being watched. I looked up at the staircase and there was our daughter, sitting quietly, catching up on Scandal. No biggie. Not only had she escaped her crib, but she had done it painlessly and without fuss.

I did feel some pride in my kid’s gymnastic skills, but mostly I was panicked. Without a baby cage, would she ever sleep again? Would I? I felt jealous of the parents who came before us–they had crib tents to keep their little jailbirds in line. So what if the tents were later deemed to be deathtraps? I figured I could find one on the black market, hanging out with some recalled drop side cribs (oh, how my back would have loved one of those).

Eventually, we bit the bullet, breaking down the crib and making up the twin. To no one’s surprise, it was a total disaster, with our daughter ending up in our bed instead of hers.

Everyone had advice for us. Here’s what happened when we tried to follow it….

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How To Survive A Children’s Birthday Party (With A Little Baby Magic)

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Ever since my daughter started preschool, my social life revolves, thrillingly, around kids’ birthday parties.  These parties are as formulaic as Groundhog Day–if the groundhog was turning three and had the Ebola virus.  The kids play, cough on each other, get dirty, eat pizza, drink from each others’ juice boxes, wipe their noses on their hands, eat cake with their fingers, melt down, pass out in the car, and wake up with runny noses.   One weekend, we attended four different parties and our whole family ended up sick and tired in the most literal way.

After months of pounding the party circuit, I’ve been forced to come up with a few birthday party survival strategies, and I share them with you:

1. Eat Before You Go: By all means, let the kids chow down on all that birthday party crap.  But you—you should fill up on something fresh and healthy beforehand.  Then you won’t feel desperate enough to eat greasy pizza and gobs of white icing that taste exactly like the greasy pizza and gobs of white icing from the last party.   

2. Sanitize: There’s a popular birthday party location where I live called My Gym.  Though it’s always a great time, we affectionately call it “My Germ” due to the likelihood of picking up a bug from 20 kids sharing the monkey bars.  We all know washing hands is key to preventing colds, but I find it nearly impossible to lure a hyped up kid to the bathroom while a party’s in full swing.  My solution? I pack Baby Magic No-Rinse Wash in my bag.


And I tell my kid, “no grub before you rub!”  Or something like that.   It cleans gently without water, and is hypoallergenic, paraben-free and cruetly-free.  Sometimes it’s my only line of defense between that revolting birthday party germ/dirt/snot sludge and finger foods.

3. Label Drinks: Pack a Sharpie or a set of stickers to label and lay claim to juice boxes and water bottles after you open them.  Otherwise, you’re bound to be swapping spit with the entire birthday party.  Sharing drinks = sick for days. 

4. Leave Before Cake: I know it seems criminal, and even a little bit rude, but scooting out right before the cake cutting can prevent that epic sugar high/crash that ruins the rest of your day.  I use the promise of the goodie bag to lure my kid to the car (and that’s only after I’ve secretly removed any teeth-destroying ring pops or excessively pointy toys).  “Only kids who are buckled into their car seats get goodie bags” is one of my favorite rules, and something I never imagined I would say so often. 

5. Just Say No: Four parties in one weekend is more than any family can take.  When you have multiple parties, try a divide and conquer approach (one parent handles Saturday, the other Sunday).  Or just realize that you can’t do it all, and send your regrets.  I think it’s nice to give a gift even if you couldn’t attend, especially since that family may have come to one of your parties. 

So remember: Don’t take on more than you can handle.  Don’t show up starving.  And don’t forget your Baby Magic!

(Baby Magic products were furnished for my commentary.  My opinions are my own.)

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5 Surprising Reactions People Have When I Tell Them I’m Marrying My “Baby Daddy”

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After four years of living in sin and three years of raising our daughter together, my partner and I are tying the knot this summer. We’re excited to make it official. So is our accountant. Here are some of the wackier reactions we’ve gotten to our news:

1)  “I’m Glad He’s Doing the Right Thing” – Granted, an elderly woman said this to me, but I was still surprised to hear the sexist bias: If we’re not married yet, it must be the man who is dragging his heels. Not so. We made this backwards plan of ours together. I don’t need him to make an honest woman of me, and the only one getting free milk from this cow was our nursing baby.

2)  “Your Daughter Must Be So Happy” – Yes, but not for the reasons you think. Our three-year-old has no idea that our relationship is any different from anyone else’s parents. Married or not, we’re a family. So why is she so excited for the wedding?  Because she gets to be the flower girl, which involves a princess dress and throwing stuff–her two favorite things.

Finish the list at Lifetime Moms… Read More »

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20 Things I Never Thought About When I Was 20

Dear Younger Self,

You were so cool.  You saw Jane’s Addiction play their first tour.  You hennaed your hair and stayed in hostels. You wore combat boots with baby blue thigh-highs.  You danced on tables—not for money, just for sport. 

But you know what?  If you could see yourself now, in your 40s, you wouldn’t even want to be friends with you. Because you’re boring.  And you’re definitely not cool anymore.  But weirdly, you’re happy. 

Brace yourself, because here’s what you care about in the future:

1. Getting a good night’s sleep

2. Organizing the pantry

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3. The magical cleaning powers of vinegar

4. Moisturizing Read More »

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