I Used to be Fun–Now I’m Just Pregnant

I felt super guilty writing this.  I blame hormones. 

Checking Facebook this morning, I noticed a cute photo of some friends drinking at a bar, arms around each other, mugging for the camera.  I clicked “like,” but truth be told, I didn’t really like seeing them all having fun without me. I’d been invited to join them, but at 20 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t up for a late night, especially one where I’d be sipping water while the party girls downed margaritas. So why did I feel so left out?

It’s not like I don’t want this baby. On the contrary, we tried for 2.5 years to give our daughter a sibling, and I still consider it a bonafide miracle that I’m pregnant. I’m just surprised how trapped I sometimes feel.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was all in. Excited to begin a new chapter of my life, I fully embraced the radical changes pregnancy brought. Going out and partying held zero appeal, and I rolled my eyes at knocked up friends who whined about missing sushi or vodka. These sacrifices weren’t just worth it — I wore them like a badge of big-bellied honor.

Four years later and pregnant again, something has shifted. I find myself daydreaming about jumping on a plane to Paris. Or buying leather pants. Actually, my leather pants ensemble would look great in Paris, if only I could find a pair that would fit over my bump.  Continues…

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Who Calls The Cops Because Of A Toddler Meltdown?

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One of the toughest parts of parenting little ones is the public meltdown. Nobody likes to contend with a screaming, flailing toddler, especially someplace highly visible, like the middle of Target. That’s when every mom faces a tough decision: Do you discipline your child, knowing prying eyes are watching, or do you appease your little monster with a candy bar until you can find some privacy?

Charlize Theron found herself in a similar situation Thursday while picnicking with her boyfriend Sean Penn and her 2-year-old son Jackson. Apparently, Jackson was acting up, so Charlize decided to put him in a time out, causing him to scream in protest. A female hiker in the area heard the racket and…well let’s see if you can guess what she did to “help.”

Was it:

A) Asked if everything was okay

B) Offered assistance

C) Whipped out a video camera and starting filming

Find out at mom.me… Read More »

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I Get Around

Some pregnant ladies nest by organizing the spice rack.  Me–I blog like a maniac.  I guess I’m trying to get it all out before my hands are too full with newborn to reach the keyboard.

So if you plan on being on a long line at the bank, or stuck amusing yourself at Starbucks, I got your reading material right here!

I debated the merits of a certain sparkly but ill-named gift, in The Problem with Push Presents

…provided 10 snarky comebacks to use the next time someone dares ask a pregnant woman “Are you sure it’s not twins?”

…offered sage advice that I never actually followed myself, in Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before Getting Pregnant

…panicked about raising sisters

and laughed at a bunch of toddlers who haven’t quite mastered hide and seek.

hide and seek

Photo: Imgur

So hope you enjoy the new stuff (mom) and I’ll be back with fresh blog posts soon! Read More »

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The Miracle of Life is Gross (And There’s Something Wrong With My Taint)

Always love to have a post up on Scary Mommy.  Just beware, saucy language ahead.

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“Honey, there’s something wrong with my taint!” I yell to my husband.

“Your what?”

“My taint. How have you lived to be 39 without…oh, never mind. It’s called the taint because it ain’t the vagina and it ain’t the butt… It’s my perineum, if you must know.

There’s something wrong with it. I can feel this bump and it stings like a motherfucker but I can’t see it so I don’t know what it is.”

“Maybe it’s a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining a lot?”

“Oh, maybe. I mean, this baby has definitely gummed up the works down there. Would you recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“I might, but I’m not sure I want to recognize one on you.”

Continue reading at your own risk at Scary Mommy…

Oh and PS, want to help families in need have a real Thanksgiving?  Check out The Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project.  Donating feels good.

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The 80′s Movies I Can’t Wait to Show My Daughter

The last time my 3-year-old was home sick from school, I ran out of kids’ movies to watch and wound up showing her a good chunk of “Dirty Dancing.” I knew it wasn’t age-appropriate for my preschooler, but the whole Penny-needs-an-abortion plot went right over head, and she was totally riveted by the dance numbers. Bonus: Mom didn’t have to sit through “Beauty and the Beast” again.

I may have to wait a few more years (or a decade), but here are 10 other memorable ’80s movies that I’m excited to share with my daughter:

1. “Valley Girl”

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This modern day Romeo and Juliet story features hilarious lingo (Grody to the max!), a swoon-worthy young Nicolas Cage and the greatest falling-in-love montage I’ve ever seen, set to Modern English’s “I Melt With You.”

Positive message: Don’t do what your friends think you should do. Follow your own heart.

2. “Sixteen Candles”

The awkwardness of high school is perfectly captured in this John Hughes classic about a 16th birthday gone wrong, then very right. Sure, there’s some casual racism I’d have to explain away, but the rest of the movie holds up beautifully.

Positive message: The regular girl is just as worthy of love as the prom queen, so be yourself.

3. “The Karate Kid”

I love a good underdog story, especially one featuring the unforgettable friendship between Ralph Macchio’s Daniel-san and his mysterious mentor, the karate master Mr. Miyagi, who trains him to take down the high school bully.

Positive Message: Never give up! Hard work pays off (wax on, wax off). Also, gotta love a movie where the main girl’s sexiest outfit is a headband and cardigan.

4. “The Princess Bride”

This quirky fairy tale adventure is a timeless classic with all the elements a kid could want: a beautiful princess, swashbuckling pirates, a gentle giant and Rodents of Unusual Size. Not showing it to my daughter would be inconceivable!

Positive Message: Be brave and have hope. Also, trust your elders on their book recommendations—wasn’t Fred Savage glad he let Peter Falk finish telling the story?

Continue reading at mom.me…

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